Imagined Conversations (6.30.14)

Spoken quotes from the week’s news in dialogue form.

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A: You can’t apply the old rules anymore.

B: No, the old rules cannot be applied to modern cellphones…

A: …but if the rules allow you to do that, you know, what can you do?

B: …they are probably the most dangerous amusement devices.

(A sighs.)

A: I want a beautiful life but I’m stuck in this Garbage World with you people.

B: You’re the one who decided to leave three lanes closed during rush hour.

A: It was interesting giving my dark side the keys to the car. I went joyriding.

(A sips his tea.)

A: Unfortunately, we have a bit of a jackass who represents us publicly—and makes an insane amount of money while doing it.

B: This illustrates the importance of looking like the people around you when it comes to satisfaction with life.

A: To wit: whiteness is actually becoming an advantage.

(A and B dip their cell phones into their respective teacups.)

B: Agreed. We live in Seattle, where people go to farmers’ markets.

A: We all work together now.

(A and B laugh in unison.)

B: It’s like…you’re the octopus that I’m having for breakfast…when I look at the menu, you’re the thing I don’t understand, the thing I’ve never had. I must have the breakfast octopus.

A: Your nose is made for olfactory Tweets. It’s sexy in the way that a hot dog is sexy, which is to say, it’s not.

A and B (in unison): To wit.

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