Spoken quotes from the week’s news in dialogue form.
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A: Excuse me. I apologize.
B: There is absolutely nothing funny about it.
B: My legs were no longer there. When is there a situation in either college or life when you’re asked—
A: I can’t guarantee you won’t have intense distress, but I can tell you that if you do, it will pass.
B: …the people who circulate that gossip…
A: Didn’t mind so much if it was inaccurate.
B: People didn’t mind so much if it was inaccurate? Well, they need some basic plumbing lessons. And they have clearly lost all human morality. They’re setting fire to the future… There is no greater freedom than the right to survive.
A: Listen, I hear you: Muenster is Muenster, no matter how you slice it.
B: That’s amazing. Muenster is Muenster. You can lie about yourself, but God knows what you’ve been doing. These are hardworking American penises—
B: When this bizarre saga is over—
A: Now, was it depressing to you, seeing one turkey—
B: —you will have some serious matters to address.
A: One turkey taken out of circulation, a turkey you couldn’t eat?